My Christmas Reflection

Show us our love to ourselves.
Require us to seek out the love of others.
Even with fear of rejection, of severe glances, of the hardness of heart of some
Do not permit us ever give up our quest for love
The Valkyries p. 158
Paulo Coelho

That night, there’s only 1 star in the darkness of the sky.
That night was Christmas Eve.

I saw the smile, the laughter around me.
But my heart was as dry as the desert.

Until I walked and saw the star, the only star in Christmas Eve
The only star which reminds me of how I should forgiven myself as a token of my love to myself. The only star which brings me to my long journey to find God’s answer of my question.
The question of “Why me, God. Why this Christmas?”

This year was the saddest Christmas I’ve ever had, as far as I can remember.
I had punished myself so hard by not let others show their love to me. The punishment which I did until the day Jesus born.

Christmas should be a happiest day in the world, where all love was share to our dearest one.
Christmas should be a merrier day in the world, where all the happiest moment was in our heart.

Not because of the present, not because of the dinner, not because of the party.
It’s because God has given His son to us, so we could learn and feel the love of God.

We, or to be precise, Myself, know that the important things in life to receive God’s love on the day He was born, is through the preparation of our heart.
The Preparation of the ability to love our self before we spread our wing of love to others. And to be able to love our self, we must be able to forgive our self, to let the past and hope for the future. Otherwise we can’t spread the wings of love.

I don’t know others, but for me, the part of forgiving our self is the toughest things in this world. Because that is the time I have to be honest to my self.

And at that time, what we need is God’s help to lead our way in the world of honesty.
And by doing that, means that we never give up our quest for love.

Have I find the answer of “Why me God ?”
To tell the truth, I have.

The answer is because He loves me; because He wants me to show me His miracles like before; because He wants me to strive for His love; because He wants me to beg Him; because He wants me to rejoice the path that He draw for me.

But “Have I accept it ?”
To tell the truth, I’m still struggling and yes, I’m still in the middle of forgiving my self.

I still ask Him, but not why me anymore instead I ask Him to give me the courage to walk through my path, the courage to put the past behind me, the courage to accept His love, the courage to let the tears find their way.

I know it’s not easy but as Paulo Coelho’s wrote in his book, I’m not permit myself ever to give up my quest of love.

Merry Christmas
May your Christmas be wonderful.