Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A child through The Eyes of Grown Up Person

I nearly forgot this little girl until I saw her picture in my Old City Batavia collection. There’s something in my mind when I met her. A feeling of jealousy if I may say so, the feeling that made me took her picture.

I met her during my hunting at Old City, Batavia, in Jakarta. It was 09.30 AM when I passed her father’s small stall and saw her played with the sand like she was at the beach and build her sand-palace like other kids did when they were at the beach.

I noticed her ignorant of the car or motor bike which passing-by her father’s small stall. She also didn’t even get distracted by people who walk at the sidewalk, where she put her “sandy beach”.

She still smiled and enjoys the warm of morning sun. Even when I took her picture, she’s still busy with her imagination.

Oh … how I envy her, envy her imagination, envy her eyes of how she view the world, of how she enjoyed her present, not her past not even worry for her tomorrow.

In my eyes, she must be longing to play with white-sandy beach, build her sandy-castle at the beach complete with the tunnel and watch the waves destroy her little castle, so she can yell-out-loud and re-build her imagination castle again. Or like many other kids, when the waves was so tempting to be chase, she will race the waves, just to be the number one sprinter in the world; and when the waves beat her, she just throw herself to the sea like other kids and feel the salty water.

In my mind, I feel sorry for her because she doesn’t have the privilege to do so, not only a chance to play with the white-sandy beach but also a yard to explore her childhood.

As a grown up person, there’s always something that makes us worried. Our children, our husband, our job, our house, name it; there are a lot of worried. We never let our mind to stay calm, to live at today, present. We always live back and forth, past and tomorrow. It’s hard to ask my mind stop and live at present, even though I know that I should live at present.

But that girl, she doesn’t have that worried. She lives at present, now and never let yesterday or tomorrow takes over neither her imagination nor her joy of today.

I wish I still can have their imagination, their optimism to the world, and their present life. I really wish.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Another One Day in My Life

Defeat exists, but not suffering.
A true warrior knows that when he loses a battle
He is improving the skill
With which he wields a sword.
He will be able to fight more skillfully next time.
By The River Piedra
I Sat Down and Wept

Two weeks ago when everything seems unbearable for me, I let God take care of me, I didn’t ask Him to take my burden away but to let Him take my hand so I can walk my life with submission.

I pray day and night, ask God’s magic to cure my feeling, try not to accept the decision, not to change the decision.

During those days, I live in hell. There was a war between the good versus the bad me. I can hear the good one told me to accept it with dignity while the bad one told me to fight till the end.

Until last Friday, 01 May, when God worked in His strange way through my friend. He sent my friend to give me new perspective to read the situation and to accept it with dignity.

That Friday, when I met God at His home, I told Him that I wish He could take away the suffering from me, but I can’t. I didn’t have the courage to ask Him to change it, instead for the first time, I let myself cried.

That Friday, the restraining wall collapse, no more defense. I just cried.

And as Paulo Coelho’s wrote in Zahir, “As soon as people decide to confront a problem, they realize that they are far more capable than they thought they were.”

That Friday noon, finally I realized that am far more capable than I thought I was. The confrontation through accepting that it was one of my paths that I have to walk. The path that seems unbearable but maybe someday that path will teach me something new and when there’s a new path coming on my way, I can look back at that day with glory.

But as someone says, that sometimes we never know how God’s magic work or how long God’s want us to learn, that “one day in my life” also leads to the unbelievable ways.

The same Friday, late at night, my friend texted me, informed me to read the new announcement. The announcement that once again changed my life to 180 degrees direction; I’m back to the “old” structure.

I don’t know how it works, especially since I didn’t do anything to change the decision. As I said before, I have accepted the changes with submission; and just when I entrust my burden to Him, He changed it back.

That night, I didn’t feel anything; I just accept it as a new path. The new path that I have to walk; the new path that God had given to me to walk it with new way

Today, when I looked back to those days, I knew that God had given me the precious gift. A gift to “see” everything from different angle; a gift to “read” someone not just like black and white; a gift not to be “na├»ve”

Am I changing ? No, I’m still the old one, someone who doesn’t have the courage to ass kissing, someone who still has that “stupidity” in herself. But now, I see people through different lens, I read them through their “unwritten” language.