Monday, June 25, 2007

My life in review

For The Soul there is neither birth nor death. The soul that is will never cease to be. It is unborn, eternal, ever-existing, undying and primeval. It is not slain when the body is slain.
(Gita, chapter 2, verse 20)

My life in review … was a year ago, when I decided to leave corporation world. Now , it’s more than a year and I haven’t done the review.

Looking back of my life a year ago, I would say that am changed, back to “my old me”. The “old” me, where I don’t have much time for myself, where I have to rush from meeting to another meeting, where I don’t have the sense to capture the beautiful and the bad in life, where I lost my “dream” somewhere in the corner.

Until this morning, when I was doing my blog walking, something alarmed me. Yes, something alarms me when I read my friend’s Makan(an) dan (Ke)hidup(an) blog. I remember the last time I visited his blog last year, when he wrote his last posting on his other blog Ari's . I put my comment on his posting and his friend added into his posting by saying that my comment was too hard.

After that, he vanished. According to my friend, he is now traveling to every part in this universe; follow the assignment given by his NGO, “ Oxfam”. Then, this morning, I read his blog again and found the topic that I always miss from his writing.

I remembered his last text to my cell phone on January 2007, “Happy New Year, hope with this coming year, there will be a new post again.”

Yes .. I do have new post. But in fact, nothing is there. Seems that I forgot to capture the beautiful moment in life. Forgot to share my “sadness” through my glass window on my way to the office. Forgot to share my “wish list” of life.

Looking back into the scene of my life start from the day I enter the corporation world again, I would say, that I passed each day of it in “loneliness”. Even though in the busiest day in my life, I felt that something missing there.

There’s a distance between my “new world” and me, there’s a wall in between.

I missed my life …., where I can see the world clearly …

My friend from the past, told me, that it’s all about choices. It has depends on me how I want to color my world. Black or Colorful, it’s all up to me….

9 days left, then it will be a year I’m back in corporation world and I still have the choice to put a color in my life, still have the choice to add my “dream”, still have the choice to bring back my senses of this world.

For sure, I will give myself a try, to live in my dream, to hold the “loneliness” and change it. So next year from now, I can write something different from what I have lately.

I don’t want to be a “numb” person, I want to bring back my life through my Indonesian blog “The Restless Mind”.

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Assembly Hall and The Topic

Besame, besame mucho,
Como si fuera esta noche la ultima vez,
Besame, besame mucho,
Que tengo miedo a perderte, perderta despues

Quiero sentirte muy cerca mirarme en tus ojos verte junto a mi
Piensa que tal vez manana yo ya estare lejos, muy lejos de ti

Kiss me, kiss me a lot,
As if tonight were the last time
Kiss me, kiss me a lot,
For I’m scared to lose you, to lose you afterwards.

I want to feel you very close, see myself in your eyes, see you near me
Think that maybe tomorrow I’ll already be far, very far away from you

Chance ....

They sit quietly. The man with his own mind and the woman – in front of that man – were trying to capture every single movement of his worries.

The only thing that united their mind was “The Battle” and the only thing that stays in their heart is only "Hope".

The moment that he begins to walk along it,
the warrior of light recognizes the path.
Each stone, each bend cries welcome to him.
He identifies with the mountains and the streams,
he sees something of his own soul in the plants
and the animals and the birds of the field.
Then, accpeting the help of God and of God's Signs,
he allows his personal legend to guide him
towards the task that life has reserved for him.

Manual of The Warrior of Light
Paulo Coelho

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Birthday Greetings - 16 June

Hi birthday girl, try to have a silent moment today and amien for one great fact : God loves U

It has been a tradition in my family, birthday is something that you have to celebrate, because God has granted you another coming year to live. Therefore, we have to celebrate that day with surprising present, birthday cake and lovely dinner with the whole family.

Birthday, in my life, is a day where no tears, no sadness in my plate. It’s a day full of surprises and happiness; not to find a silent moment and do the contemplation.

Unfortunately, this year, for the first time in my life, God gave His present in different way. This time, tears and anger was in my plate. For the first time also, I regret that yesterday was my birthday.

Until I read all the greetings that I have from my friends and stopped at the above mesage.

For the first time in my life, when everybody was in their dreams, I took that moment as my contemplation moment. The moment when I let my mind traveled to every single path of my life, where the good meet the bad, where the happiest meet the sadness, where love and hate meet.

The moment when I realized that God has His own way to say He loves me more than I ever thought.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Mommy's War : To Work or To Stay at Home

That's the title in ABC News of American Family (just click the above title to read the complete article). It's quite interesting to read the same argument since I was in elementary school, for not to be sarcastic.

According to Linda Hirshman, law professor and working mother, privileged, educated woman who choose to stay at home to raise their children are hurting themselves and others.

As a working mother and educated woman, I cannot say that the above statement is true or wrong. Every mother in the world, she is either a working mother or a stay home mother, have their own reason when they have to make that choice and none is a bad decision.

I’ve been in those two places, being a working mother and a stay home mother. To tell the truth, both of those two places are the nicest thing for me. There’s always a pro – cons of that each place.

As a working mother, my daughters said, that they were proud that their mother is not like “a stay home mother” who spend their time gossiping at the front yard of their school (even though I know that there’s a lot of a staying home mother who don’t have that kind of habit). They were proud because their mother knows the latest trend of everything.

As a staying home mother, my daughters said, that they were glad that finally they could find me right away after the school to share their stories, their happiness and their sadness. They were glad that finally their mother could help them in their homework and make them cookies. They were happy that finally their mother didn’t have to share their time with office stuff.

So, back to Linda Hirshman, I have to say that for some reason it is true that woman are hurting themselves, if they didn’t make use of what they have before they start their career as a “mother”. But, it’s also hurting themselves if as a working mother, we forgot to put our children as our priority number one.

As a working mother, I have to say that the most difficult part in life is balancing my career and my duty as a mother. It’s a big liar, for me, to say that I can balance that two easily. Most of the time, “family” becomes the number two, if it comes to the job responsibility. “Family” becomes number one, when it goes to meet the teacher, bring my children to the doctor, take care of their course, their errands, but aside from that, my responsibility as a working woman becomes number one.

Do I regret my decision ? Most of the time, I say, “Yes, I do”. I do regret the time that I spent with them especially during the vacation day. I only have 12 working days while they have 30 days vacation. Or during the weekend, when I don’t have enough energy to bake them cake or do the stitch together, that’s the time that I regret my decision as a working mother.

Therefore, back to the above argument, it’s always like chicken and egg, no ones right and no ones wrong.

As stated in that article, in the level of happiness, there’s no differentiation of children from working mother or stay home mother. As long as there’s love in every action, the level of happiness will stay the same.

Wicker Man ( 2006 )

The Wicker Man is an American horror film, released in September 2006. As a remake of the 1973 British film of the same name, i was written and directed by Neil LaBute, and stars Nicolas Cage and Ellen Burstyn.

It's a story about Malus (Nicolcas Cage) a cycle cop who's having a typical day pulling over speeders on his stretch of road. During his duty, he witnesses a horrible accident. While trying to save a young woman and her daughter, he is caught in the explosion and barely lives to tell the tale. Now plagued by horrifying images into his subconscious from that day, he received a letter from his ex-fiance. The letter asked his help to find her missing daughtr and begs him to come to a place called Summersisle, a private island. Then the "horror" story begins .....

My review, ... I've never seen a worst film with a well-known actor as Nicolas Cage. So nothing I could share, not a single word.

Dream Conversation ...

I was reading my horoscope prediction for Thursday when this statement woke me up from my sleeping mind.

The situation is so confusing that you’re half convinced walking away is the solution. But maybe you need to ask yourself a different question. Maybe it's not should you stay or should go, but what should you do next ?

Sometimes, not sometimes, but many times in my daily corporation world when the situation getting tough and unbearable, I always said to myself that maybe walking away is the solution for all the problems.

But many times also I said to myself to stay for a while, giving the “if” statement to manipulate the feeling or the burn out that I felt at that moment.

I never asked the above question “what should I do next” … the powerful question that become the basis of our action. Instead, I always follow what others think it’s best for me. I never follow what “should I do next” result.

“What other thinks suitable for me” … most of the time becomes the trigger of “what we think is the best for me”. It’s not always bad but sometimes it makes our decision becomes blur.

We believe that “others” can know better than “we” can. Even though at the end, we always said that it’s our need, it’s what I want, it’s something that I want to achieve, still the person who pull the trigger is not ours but somebody else.

The question … is it right or wrong ? The answer, once again, I got from my horoscope prediction :

Right and wrong – the line between the two can get pretty fuzzy on occasion, especially if you overanalyze. Take a step back and really look at the situation and you’ll see the obvious choice.

So now the question is “what should I do next ?” The answer is still the same, work for a while, try to find time for my personal life, finish my book, before finally make my last move to quit and start my own. Work on something that I want; not to what others think that it’s what I want.

When ?
No one can answer it straight away ….

Why ?
Because there’s several condition that I have to prepare before finally make my last move.

…..Back to my discussion with my colleagues on Thursday dinner, of taking our own way, my answer to them, is still the same …. “what should you do next ?”, what is your own goal in life ?

We cannot run away from this horrible situation, wherever we go we always meet with this kind of unbearable situation. Not exactly the same, but the essence is the same. Instead of run away it's better if we find the answer of what we are going to do next ....

"I know that after we answer that kind of question, we might walk to different direction, but at least, as we said during the dinner, we would not miss our lovely, funniest marketing meeting. And maybe someday we will have dinner again, share our dream journey," ... my farewell statement in silence ...