Sunday, August 26, 2007

Turtle Dove

... As long as we have each turtle dove, we'll be friends forever ...

Yesterday I watched Home Alone 2 with my little one. We have watched this movie several times, sometimes we stop it in the middle but other times we just watch it with the same laugh at the same scene.

Until yesterday, I noticed a conversation about loneliness and trust ( sounds that I have write about trust several times in my blog ). Precisely these are the dialog between Kevin and the lady “bird”:

Kevin : … If you need somebody to trust, you can trust on me
The lady : … Don’t make promises that you cannot keep

This dialog sounds familiar to me. I remember my discussion of this issue. In the middle of our wishy-washy talk, suddenly this issue appears like a shooting star.

Trust and Promises, are the two important things in a relationship. Start from that two, the relationship becomes a strongest relationship. It could be in marriage life or it could be in a friendship, but wherever you go, all start from that two.

I cannot promise you something that I know that I cannot give you
Its fine and its better be like that, otherwise I will loose you

The truth is, every single person in this universe needs that promise. Infusions that make a relationship stay strong when they struggle through their happiness and sadness.

However, we cannot deny that to be able to give that promise, we need the courage, to say that I trust you, that I trust you as my true friend, no matter how war we go we are still be friends ..…..

Otherwise, than it will vanish like a mist, like a wave meets the sands, like this song by Damien Rice, a sound track of Closer:

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We’ll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower’s daughter
The pupil in denial

Did I say that I loved you ?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind ?

I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind
My mind, my mind
‘Till find somebody new

Saturday, August 25, 2007

I’m a stranger
Just stopping by at your life for a while
Before I continue my journey

It supposes to be a wonderful Saturday morning at HOME. Indeed, I feel like I have done my participation in 10k marathon.

My mind doesn’t want to stop working. I play my Jane Montheit “Surrender” repeatedly; still the uncomfortable feeling did not want to move from the corner of my heart.

So much to talk, so much to ask, so much in my mind …..

God has created Human to be different
No one, even twins, is the same person
It’s impossible to find similarity in others
It’s like live in bubble world

My last night Yoga didn’t work,
Still so much inside that needs to-let-it-out,
So many questions hanging around that need an answer

Wish I could see things clearly
Wish I could stop my left and right heart debate

Oh I wish … I wish …

I don’t care you only stop by for a while
Or if you would like to stay forever
For me, you are not a stranger
You are my friend

Can we meet God and share our thought ?
No, not in the “prayer world”, not in that … it’s too complicated.
I mean, really meet Him and talk, like two people share their stories.
Ask Him of His plan on me, argue with Him of the world that He has given to me
Ask Him the question that has been hanging around me for many years ….

Accept everything that arises. Accept your feelings,
Even the ones you wish you did not have.
Accept your experiences, even the ones you hate.
Don’t condemn yourself for having human flaws and failings.
Learn to see all the phenomena in the mind as being perfectly natural and understandable
Try to exercise a disinterested acceptance at all times
With respect to everything you experience
( by Bhante Henepola Gunaratama)

It’s not easy to accept the feelings, especially if those feelings will take a slice of your heart. A heart that you guard night and day, to prevent it from the painful and sadness.

It needs courage to share a piece of your heart to experience, to accept everything that came along with love.

It needs courage to accept a sincere invitation ….

Friday, August 24, 2007

A Wish .....

... Who brushes
Your life
An eternal imprint

… Who lets you fly
When you need to
But brings you back
When you soar too far

Have this when I googling an image …. And I feel like this is an answer of my hundred questions last night.

I know that I don’t have to think or let the evil take me to the negative side of the world and I don’t know whether the evil finally take me to that part … the only thing that I know is my helpless feeling to put together the puzzle into a clear picture.

Human is not like a picture where we can consume it with our own imagination, with our own understanding through the color and the senses of the picture.

Human is far beyond there, where their voice, their laugh, their cry, their face can have thousand meaning …

And when it comes to understanding a “feeling”, then we have to put that all puzzle into one, we have to put all the voice, the laugh, the face, the words into one clear picture.

But it’s how God create us, so we can have thousand exposure, thousand evidence, thousand emotions before finally we find our “friend” who really a “friend”.

And maybe it’s how God asked us, not to use our “mask” when we give our self to a “friend”, a “true friend”, because our friend don’t deserve our “thousand” faces, our friend is someone who deserve our honest, sincere face.

And maybe it’s how God give human a “dream”, so we can dream to finally meet our “true friend” somewhere out there ….. ; a wish like this song ....

Like a lover the morning sun
Slowly rises and kisses you awake
Your smile is soft and drowsy
As you let I play upon your face
Oh how I dream I might be like the morning sun to you

How I envy a cup that knows your lips
Let it be me, my love
And a table that feels your fingertips
Let it be me, let me be the one
Put an end to these lonely days and nights
Without you

Like a lover the river wind
Slides and ripples
Its fingers through your hair
Upon you cheek it lingers
Never having known a sweeter place
Oh how I dream I might be like the river wind to you

Like a lover the velvet moon
Shares your pillow and watches while you sleep
Its light arrives on tiptoe
Gently taking you in its embrace
Oh how I dream I might be like the velvet moon
How I dream I might be like the morning sun
How I dream I might be like the river wind the river wind
How I dream how I dream I dream
I might be with you

How I envy a cup that knows your lips
Or a table that feels your fingertips
How I dream how I dream how I dream how I dream
I might be with you
(by jane monheit - like a lover)

Monday, August 20, 2007

Mom's Story

As usual, when I have to do my business trip, my little daughter is the one who always make a noise of her disappointment of my trip.

Therefore, I always inform her of my business trip plan, at least a week before the D-day, just to get her understanding and her approval – actually not approval, but I make it like I really need her approval – so when the days come, I don’t have to argue with her.

Her comment becomes the normal comment, until today, when I told my husband that my boss asked me whether I could continue my business trip plan.

Precisely this is how I told my husband of my conversation with my boss :

You know what, Alex asked me whether I feel okay to continue my business trip because he knew that I’m not feeling well. But I told him that I have to otherwise I can not finish my trip before fasting month

At that time I thought that she didn’t pay attention to my story especially because I expressed it in English.

However, I was wrong; suddenly I heard her comment, “Why did you say you have to. You should say the truth. Not have to. Tell him that you’re not feeling well. So he wouldn’t let you go and I don’t have to sleep alone.”

Suddenly I could not say a thing, I’m speechless. Moreover, another thought come across my mind, that if I want to say something secret then I cannot use English anymore. I have to find a way to communicate it to my husband without she does her ears drop.

And I feel that I have to continue my French class. However, considering only me who will talk French, then I just feel speechless.

It's only 3 days business trip and haven't start it yet, but ...oh … I miss her already. My special companion when we watch a movie. My laughing friends when we read Lucky Luke comic book. My partner when I’m doing my weekend shopping at supermarket.

I remember when I hug her this morning. I told her that she’s getting tall and sooner she will refuse my hug. She just looks at me with her lovely eyes, kisses me and said that she always needs my hug.

Wish that she were still the same … my lovely expressive little daughter….

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Another Thought after "Privacy"

I was happy with the comment that I have on my post several days ago, regarding “privacy”.

However, for some reason, I have to keep it back as “draft” instead of “published’ it. I have another comment from my fighting partner. He told me that it is not polite to publish such issue like that, since it is against my value of “privacy”.

One thing that I like from the comment that I have is all relate to an issue that we know as “an affair”. An issue that every people in every part of the world will show the same reaction, a negative reaction. Since an affair is an action that breach the holly commitment between a man and a woman. A breach of a marriage life.

Sometimes in life, it is easy for us, to judge someone for her/his act without we even know the story behind, without even try to understand the pain or the suffering of that person.

I believe, no one in the world would like to breach their marriage life, but for other reason, which only that person knows, they come to it. In addition, I also believe, that for the rest of that person life, it becomes their burden.

I know for sure that people will say, it’s their mistake, their own choice, so let them feel the pain. Nevertheless, for me, I will say that we cannot say that because we are not them.

I know a woman who had to make a decision to divorce. At that time, even now, that is against society value. I remember how her entire family punished her because of her decision. Moreover, the worst case is not only her entire family but also her children, her love one where she dedicated her whole life.

She was punished because she met a married man and decided to leave her family to build her dream with that man. A decision that she regret because finally she had to let that man back to his family just for the sake of that man’s child.

Was she happy ? Yes, she was happy because she’s been able to make her best decision for her life.

How about her children ? Finally her oldest daughter expresses her happiness because of her mother decision to leave her father. Her oldest daughter knew that her mother gave her a peace full life away of parents fighting.

How about that man’s child ? Same as her oldest daughter, that child regret his decision. That boy told that woman, that he should not request that woman to ask his father back to his mother.

It takes years to get that understanding. And it takes years also to still feel the pain, the suffering because of that decision. The decision that she had to make for the sake of her own life and for her children. A decision that against society value ……

Psycho-lo*gy*ve by Syafrina Siregar

This is a story of Amira January – a young success psychologist – who has her phobia on marriage and publication. Her advice as a psychologist always contradictory especially if it is relate to relationship or gender issue.

She got it all, except her status, she is single. No one knows that her afraid of marriage was because of her childhood experience.

Until one day, one event, destroy her “name”, her career, and her entire life. The event, which always becomes an enemy of every marriage life in the world. The event, which has a name “Affair”.

In this book, the writer, try to picture of how Mira (the nickname of Amira) try to survive from the rumors that destroy her life. The writer express Mira’s struggle through her view of marriage, affair and divorce.

I like the writer express Mira argued with her innerself when she noticed that actually she felt in love and how she put aside that feeling just because of her parents divorce. In addition, it’s not only that, the writer also try to picture of how an affair started.

Divorce in this book is not a big no-no. Divorce in this book is a decision that should be taken when there’s only fake romance live in a couple, when the sweet-talk only a drama. Divorce is not a common thing but also not a taboo. Divorce is a tough decision same as marriage, but not everybody realize it.

Same as divorce; an affair wherever you go, is an evil of marriage. However, do we ever understand how it start ? I’m not talking about an affair based on sex, am talking about an affair based on the feeling.

Once again, the writer put Mira’s struggle in refusing the love that has been offered by her ex-lover whereas his wife is her client, through several angle.

Anyway, even though that two parts – the controversial part – were only a small part of the book, but still as a novel who could enlarge somebody’s view of life, I will recommend you all (who can read Indonesian book) to read it.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

My Beautiful World

Somebody asked me, what do I mean by “have found my world back” ? I remember one of my friends laughed when he read that line and asked me “which part of your world that you have lost ?”

Which part of my world ? In other words .. “Which part of my life” that has been back.

My world is back because I can write again. My world is back because finally I could spend my time with my two beautiful daughters even though it was only 6 months; after that, I have to go back to corporation world again. My world is back because I could use my heart to see all the beautiful things through my little lens of my snapshot camera. My world is back because I could use my sense to decide the handicraft that I have to sell to my buyer. My world is back because I could see other part of the world and Indonesia by using my little kid eyes in my grown up body.

Yes, … the answer is so simple, just as simple as you have to say “Yes”.

After spent almost 14 years in the corporation world and take a rest for almost 6 months, it feels like a child who sees the world with their curiosity eyes.

So … if I have to answer which part of my life that I have lost ? Just reverse all that “curiosity eyes”, and then you will see the bitter part of it.

The question now, do I lose it again ?

No, this time I keep it. I keep it like my little daughter take care her rabbit. Everyday, before she goes to school, she just stops by to that rabbit cage, and says hi.

Therefore, that is how I keep my beautiful life inside me. I do not want to loose it again otherwise; I can not stand to walk in the corporation world again.

Here’s my song that I play every morning "So Would You Let Me Be .. by Cinnamon :

We’ve get along together.
I should have known
You’re the best that I could be

Until now, it’s hard for me to face it
Why didn’t we meet each other sooner ?!

I left them all behind you
Only for you
Would you believe it
I put my trust on you

But deep inside I realized
That I can’t. No I can’t
They were all my brother
My cry and happiness

So would you let me be my self
Reach all of my dreams and hopes ?

I know you’ve known me better
I know you love me, you do

Your eyes says more than anything
That’s really mean to me
(that’s mean a lot for me)

Darlin would you now
Would you set me free ?

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Quick Drop

After almost a week argued and fought with Indonesia Internet Provider, Speedy, finally I can open my mail and read my blogger friend post.

The rest, felt like live in heaven and hell …

Yes, heaven because I could sleep like a baby during the earthquake in central java and Jakarta. I was in Semarang on that day, after an exhausted business trip. Have to wake up at 03. 00 AM to catch my flight and one full day meeting plus dinner before finally check in at Premier Santika.

Met my old friend colleague at the airport. He was on his business trip to Sumatra. Amazingly, after more than 10 years, he looks like the old day. Except his, gain his weight. Promise to have lunch with him, while actually I doubt that I have time to do that.

Another heaven, because finally I could settled the basis for my new team after almost 4 years they became the “un-known” department. Could not tell how proud I am with them, working with un-certainty condition and still have the spirit.

Hell … yes, hell, because of the stupidity of my colleague. The way she think and act is beyond my understanding (hm … I remember if my fighting partner heard my comment of “beyond my understanding”). Lucky, I was in my patient mood, or should I say that I’m in my passive mood. I just wondering, people always view her as “smart” person. However, for me, she was far away of “smart” for not saying that she was an egoist person. With her master degree that she earned, she should be able to view from different angle. But in fact, she like a deaf person in the world. Only wants to hear her own voice. I'm wondering, maybe people view her as “smart” person because of her “master degree”.

Phew, I’ve met enough people with master degree title, but only a few of them got my respect. The rest …. A big no no from me and she is in that "big no-no" line.

Second hell, is this weekend. Wish I could rest but the problem came one after another. Could not take a breath. Nevertheless, it’s life, isn’t it ? I know that as my fighting partner said, it’s a matter of your choice, you want to re-act immediately or just wait and solve it another day. The problem is, am working at telecommunication company, where I have to get the answer before the problem chase me.

So … how is it ? Finally, the problem solved just before I’m writing this story.

The beautiful things …. I achieved my 2nd week goal in August that I set. Squeezed my business trip into two days, be in my yoga class, watched “Bourne Ultimatum” and read my blogger friends posting …..

And how about next week ? As my friend said to me .. next week will be tougher than this week. So .. Que Sera Sera … ; as I said, it’s life isn’t it ? Hope I can walk through it with my “patient” mood.

Monday, August 06, 2007

The Time

Was there something more I could have done ?
Or was I not meant to be the one ?
Where’s the life I thought we would share ?
And should I care ?

And will someone else get more of you ?
Will she go to sleep more sure of you ?
Will she wake up knowing you’re still there ?
And why should I care ?

There’s always one to turn and walk away
And one who just wants to stay
But who said that love is always fair ?
And why should I care ?

Should I leave you alone here in the dark ?
Holding my broken heart
While a promise still hangs in the air
Why should I care ?

(Why Should I Care)
Diana Krall …

It’s about time now, to walk and not looking back …
I don’t know whether this is the best decision, something that I will regret
I don’t know …

One thing that I know, my life will not be the same
However, why bother, my life had changed anyway …

I know that I’m going to miss all the beautiful things that I ever have, everything …
No one can ever give me that day …

Anyway, the decision has to be made and I have made mine

Sunday, August 05, 2007

My Internet Connection - My Half Life

Finally, after suffer for more than 4 days; my internet connection is back ….
It’s funny live without the internet, like only of your half body live.

Every night I went home, it becomes a habit for me to turn on my laptop and internet. However, for the last 4 days, I felt that something missing in my life.
Lucky that my friend ask me to watch a movie …otherwise it become a nightmare.
I know that I can read my pile of book, but put it that as my number 1 activity after went back from office …phew, it’s not a good idea.

Internet connection at the office ?

Yes, I do have internet connection at the office, but office is not a place to play a game, besides my tight schedule, which makes me even, could not read my “official mail”.

Anyway … my life is back …
I can write again, visit my friend at flixster, read my other community news, and read my buddies blogger post.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

The Silent Answer

Did you do the same too ? Always shown your contradiction ?

That was the only questions that I remember.

Lay on my bed, I played that question, before I could not stand to let the darkness of the night touch me.

Sometimes in life, when we made a mistake, a mistake that affect your life, a mistake that destroy your whole body, we always put that mistake as a warning letter, as a prevention for our self not to make the same mistake.

But without we realize it, the prevention also could destroy ourselves, because at that time we have not been able to notice love that come to our front door, love that only wants to say hello without even bring the hidden agenda.

Nevertheless, why it is so difficult to accept a helping hand ? Is it because of the pain suddenly rushed to meet love ? To warn love to stay away, to keep the distance ?

The only thing that I know, the pain is there, laugh at me for the mistake that I made, for the stupidity that I did, for the suffering that I feel.

The truth is because of the anxiety, which let the pain take over the open heart. The anxiety who reminds me to question all the good things that comes with helping hand. The anxiety that let love standing there with his sadness eyes.

It is unfair … ; yes .. I know, it is unfair ….