Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Blessing

As is usually during the end of the year, people always remember the events that happen around them. Some of the events that brought laughter, some bringing happiness, and some again brings sadness.

For some reason and has been for a long time, I have not done reflection of the event that occurred in my life for that year.

I just feel that any form of contemplation that does not bring any changes to my life. All went as before.

Until last Sunday when I went to attend my Sunday mass.

This time I arrived 5 minutes before mass begin. I know the chance to get parking spot next to impossible. Therefore, when I saw there was an empty parking lot, I immediately parked my car.

In fact, it is not a place where I used to park my car.  The place where I used to park my car located closer to the church, even the parking attendants was familiar with my habits. However, as lately my favorite parking lot is always full, so I had to find alternative spot.

That day, actually my favorite parking lot is empty but since I do not trust my eyesight, so I decided to park my car in unusual spot.

Then the magical event start …

When I want to go out from the car, suddenly I noticed that the parking attendants was standing next to my car. Waiting I’m finishing grabbing my bag, change my shoes, before finally open the door. He greet me with his big smile.

I was floored.

Then when I am in hurry, walking to the church, I passed by with the parking attendants who knew my habit. I told him that I didn’t see the empty space but instead of saying his disappointment, he held out his hand and saying merry Christmas.

I glued.

I must to cross the road but somehow none of the vehicles that are willing to stop and let me across the road. Until suddenly the vehicles stop and out in the middle, I saw a guard giving his signage for me to cross the road.

I was amazed.

…. The magical moment that happened to me on Sunday evening, made me realize that in the midst of chasing the deadline at work place, or taking care of our children or do our household chores, we or I may say myself, rarely put a pause and count the blessing that we had on that day.

The magical lesson that I got on that day is a simple one, no glamorous with beautiful card nor beautiful poem inside things, it is just a smile, a shake hand, and a helping hand.

That moment actually is a reminder from God that my life is not as hard as I thought and He’s with me through his magical events.

The healing was not instantaneous but for some reason able to make me feel not being left out.

So what is 2013 meant for me? Year full with glory? Or Year full with suffering?

As I said before, I never take time to contemplate, I am the person who believes that every year, there is no year full with glory or suffering. There is no black or white in life. Every single things in world has their pairing.

One thing that I know, am blessed.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Grief

“As you approach the holidays, remember: grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Don’t let anyone take your grief away. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself. And allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.”  - Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Center for Loss and Transition

Today, I am supposed working on my deck, prepare myself for another important meeting which apparently in 24 December evening.  But instead of revising my deck, I just doing my old habit, blog walking. And suddenly, I came to http://www.eleanorvincent.com/2013/12/ and read that quote.

It took me a while to digest the quote before finally surfacing sense of loss.

Somebody says to me, it’s only a mind’s game, to accept the things that you can’t change. Easy isn’t it? Yes it is easy, if it is related to accept the situations in the corporation world – even though I always fell no matter how hard I try. Maybe because most of the time my emotion still took the major part of those mind game process.

I don’t know the answer yet, if the ‘mind’s game’ can easily wound the feeling of the losses.  One thing that I know that our mind is our master of everything.  But it is not just as simple as that.

In a sense of accepting the fact that we have lost our loves one, yes our mind is the master, but we are human, were we could feel the pain, the happiness which comes into our lives. We are not robot, where every single movement directed by the machine aka the mind, where the pain, the happiness is not part of their functionality.  We are not animal either, even though they could feel the pain, the happiness which not as much as human.

I tend to agree with the quotes, grief is both a necessity and privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love.

Letting your loves one go and know that the person will not come back again, is really hurts. The grief for me is the cure for the sadness, the moment in accepting the fact that the person is gone, the moment to remember all the sweetest thing when that person still be with you.

It is a privilege since it is only ourselves that have the feeling that in addition to all the memories of that person.

And when holidays come like today, is the hardest part, especially in accepting the fact that all those memories is real not a dream.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

My Whitey

It’s been quite a long time since my last post. I don’t know why, but one thing that I know, I can’t write. Not because I don’t want it, I just stuck in the middle of nowhere, no matter how hard I try, it’s always end up with blank pages.

During my burn out period, laughter and tears, side by side coloring my life. There are zillions episode pass through my door. Some stays and leave a mark, some just fade away like morning dew when the sun kiss the mother earth.

One of those zillion episode which leave a mark is Whitey, my lovely dong, who is in heaven now, watching and guard me from above.

She came to my life sometimes in 2008, my daughter took her from a roadside, and to be precise she bought her from somebody who tried to sell her to anybody.

She was thin, dirty, flea and tick in her body at that time. She looks so scared and confuse. Even the sounds of news paper scratching could make her hide. Don’t expect a wagging tail from her, she just cold not. Not to mention her cataract and dental plaque, which makes her not as the right dog to choose.

Start on that day, I told myself, I will not abandon her, I will take care of her until God separates us.

Slowly she changed, from unwanted dog into a dog is admired. Every time I took her for a walk, every time I see people in awe. She never let me out of her sight, even when I was asleep she must sleep near me. Her pillow were next to my bed. She always wait for me return from the office. Sitting behind the front door, wagging her tail, and do her happy dance until I carry her.

I remember, one day I had to go out of town, and forgot to inform her that I won’t be at home for several days, that she must behave when I was not at home. That night, I got a phone call from my husband, told me that Whitey still sitting behind the front door, refused to go to our room (she always sleep in my room). No one could took her inside. She resisted. Until I told my husband to put me in speaker, told her that I will be away for several days and she must behave when I’m not at home, then she went to sleep.

She has white fur, with big black eyes and small ears. Her curly white dense fur was so soft and she was so light when I carry her.

That year and several years after, she’s coloring my life even though sometimes she made me mad because of her stubbornness. But most of the time she made me laugh and happy.

I tend to forget her age, I always think that we will grow older together. I know that the possibility of she will leave me first is greater than me. But I never taught that day will come so fast.

During her departure day, she has a heart problem, which made her difficult to breath. Doctor once told me to euthanize her, but once she look her zest for life, he prevent his intention.

Almost every night in three months, she could not sleep well, her heart problem made her breath a nightmare. The best time for her to sleep well is in the morning, and the way she sleep made me afraid. I always check whether she is still alive during those days.

On the day she departed, after I prepared her food and say good bye to her, I noticed that she refused to look at me. While in normal days, she always usher me to the front door when I have to go to the office. I called her but she sat back to me and never took her glance to me.

Since I was in hurry, I did  not pay my attention to her weird behavior. I just run to the office and forgotten her until  I  got a phone call from my husband told me that Whitey has gone.

I could not believe what I heard and I could not digest the message of ‘Whitey has gone’. Took several minutes until I realized that Whitey is no longer with me. Whitey already choose to spend her day with God.

I cried a lot, blame myself of not noticing the signage, of not say my thank you for her kindness, of not able to bury her.

I am not even dare to visit her tomb, I just look through the distance, and sometimes hallucinate that she will come to me, wagging her tail, and do her happy dance.

I still feel sad, still cry when I see her picture, but I know she is safe now, she is not suffering anymore, and she is with God guard me from above.

…… and when I wrote this, tears still in my eyes …..