Friday, December 28, 2007

Another note from "Evening"

Mistakes are beautiful, baby
Mistakes are fun, baby

Overcome by the power of memory, Ann Lord reveals a long-held secret to her concerned daughters; Constance, a content wife and mother, and Nina, a restless single woman. Both are bedside when Ann calls out for the man she loved more than any other. But who is this Harris ?

Ann Lord make her journey when she was Ann Grant, a young woman who has come from New York City to be maid of honor at the high-society Newport wedding of her dearest friend from college, Lila Wittenborn. The bride-to-be is jittery, and turns to her maid-of-honor, rather than her own mother, for support. Ann stays close to her friend, yet is even closer to Lila's irrepressible brother Buddy. Unexpected feelings surge forth once Ann meets wedding guest Harris Arden, a lifelong friend and intimate of the Wittenborn family. Ann's love for Harris will change her life, and those of her daughters, forever.

That was the story of “Evening”, a movie that I will remember like “The Ultimate Gift”. But this time, the answer left was about the mistakes. Is it ? Is it beautiful ? Is it fun ?

What I do remember, mistakes always at the end bring remorseless, shameless, humiliation, punishment and regret. I never felt that the mistakes that I made were fun or beautiful. Even if I pictured it I still felt remorse, shame, sad, and regret myself.

So why it was beautiful and fun ? Unless what we thought mistakes is not a mistake.

Fall in love to someone and still carry that feeling for the rest of our lives, living with that person in our mind are mistakes, because we betrayed our partner through our mind. We ruin our live.

But the feeling, the hope that we bring to life, is so beautiful. Yes, beautiful, because every day we put that hope as our star, so when the toughest day knocks our door, there’s something that we hold, that feeling.

Yes it was fun. Can you imagine playing with the memory; see it through different angle, the angle of love ? It was fun, because we let our mind plays with the imaginary.

It is not just a mistake of falling in love, in every part of our lives; the mistakes that we made at the end always bring the painful feeling, regret, anger to ourselves.

But the fruit of mistakes is always beautiful, because we have something to share with our dear one that we meet in our live to avoid doing the same mistakes.

It was fun, because we never have that kind of experience again. Fun because of the feeling when we did it was 180 degrees different.

Anyway … as my friend text me “It’s positive thinking to see a mistake …. But mistake is mistake …”

Thursday, December 27, 2007

A note from Lucky You - a movie -

Am I that easy to read ?
When you know the tells

Lucky You is a movie of a hotshot poker player tries to win the world poker tournament in Vegas but is fighting a losing battle with his personal problem.

It is quite interesting to learn how we have to put our emotion at home and try our best to do the math and read people’s fear or happiness while at the same time run the strategy to win the game during poker player.

The worst part is we may the best poker player in the world but when it comes to our personal life, we become the worst person to read ourselves and the only person who can read ourselves better actually is someone who close to us.

…… That was the synopsis of the dialog above ... from Lucky You movie ….

Once upon a time, when the moon is full, somebody asked that question to me. I didn’t say a word, just an overwhelmed feeling that finally I could “read”.

At the other occasion, somebody told me, “I can read you. I can read you better than yourself” and this time I was burst to anger, “No one in the world knows me better than myself”, I said to myself.

Can we really read somebody ? Read by means even though in their silence we know exactly what their mind flow ?

Personally, I will say no. We can not “read” them, what we “read” is their feeling, their sadness, happiness, worries; but not their thinking …

And to be able to read someone is when we open our door to let someone come into our house. Because start on the day we let someone come into our lives, at the same time that person let ourselves to read their feeling, their sadness, happiness, worries … but not their thinking, their mind.

Mind is belonging to the person itself, not ours….

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas Magic ...

Do you remember the story of Maria and Martha ?
Be Maria and not Martha ….

Christmas is always identical to party, presents, beautiful card, new album release, new movie, every single things that create an air of festivity, besides the donation and the bible study during Christmas Season.

Therefore, every Christmas, I always busy with the preparation of Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas day when we get together around Christmas tree to find our present from the Santa.

All the gifts, the menu of my Christmas Eve dinner, the menu of my Christmas party, is the most important things for me. My Christmas will be useless if there’s no present, if the preparation is not perfect, if my relative doesn’t like the menu..

Until this evening, when I received beautiful text from my best friend, a reminder of what is the purpose of Christmas itself.

Be Maria and not Martha actually is the reflection of us during Christmas. Martha was so busy to prepare the food and cleaning to entertain Jesus, made everything to be perfect for Jesus, while Maria instead of helping Martha, she sat at Jesus feet and listening to every word that Jesus tell her. Maria doesn’t want to miss a single thing that Jesus said.

Same with me, I was so busy to make everything perfect for the festive, but I forgot to make the perfect thing for myself to be able to serve Him in my relation with others.

All that kind of preparation drags my attention from the most important one, preparation of me in welcoming Him into my house.

So when the text came, I felt like I have got a meesage from above. A reminder that I should stop and sit quietly for a while, and listen to the soft voice that comes from the corner of my heart.

You may say that the text was a coincidence, but not for me, because for the 1st time after years of quiet night, I felt an overwhelmed, peaceful feeling when He stays at my living room.

If I didn’t send the text to my true friend, I may be stuck with the same bitter feeling during Christmas Eve mass.

The entire "If" is a miracle for me. I’ve got a beautiful Christmas present from God, a present that reverse my quiet and bitter night into unforgotten Christmas magic. I do thank God for His magic that came through the pure heart of a true friend. And I do hope that the spirit of Christmas stays with me, always.

Merry Christmas
Hope your Christmas as beautiful as the stars in the sky, as lovely as the full moon.
And may the Spirit of Christmas be with you, always.

picture were taken from here and here

Monday, December 24, 2007

Happy Mother's Day ....

As we all knows that base on Hallmark Calendar, Mother’s day is fall in May. But as Indonesian, our Mother’s Day is fall in 22 December.

It was started on 1912, inspired by Indonesian Woman heroes, then followed by the 1st Indonesian Women Congress at 22 December 1928. The purpose of declared that day as “Mother’s Day” totally different with Hallmark Calendar (America and Canada), because Mother’s Day in Indonesia was to remind Indonesian Women of their right, to have better education, to have a “place” in every Men’s world.

The question here, do we all know the meaning or the purpose of Indonesian Mother’s Day ?

I don’t want to be pessimistic but I’m quite sure that even my children don’t know about the purpose of Indonesian Mother’s Day.

In their mind, in their understanding, Mother’s Day, is the day they have to give thanks to their mother because of their sacrifice, no one even have an idea that Indonesian Mother’s Day was commemorate to Indonesian Women struggle of their right.

So, is it wrong that our children or the worst, the-grown-up-people, miss-understood the meaning of Indonesian Mother’s Day ? Just because Hallmark Mother’s Day which commemorates the stay-at-home-mom was less meaning compare to Indonesian Mother’s Day ?

My answer is No, not at all ….

Not because I’m not appreciate my ancestor sacrifice, in fact, I do thank them for give us the opportunity to make Indonesian Woman equal with Indonesian Man. Even though not all, because part of Indonesian tradition, do not allow woman have an equal position with man.

The reason is if I don’t have my traditional “grand mother” who doesn’t have a chance to fight for their right like the Indonesian Women Warrior, who have their own way to made my mother like she is now, I will be like the women that I met in Kalimantan and Sulawesi.

I’m a working mother and I don’t have time to join any women organization. I believe there are million Indonesian women out there which have the same ‘title’ like me or the-stay-at-home-mother “title” which don’t have enough time to still fight with all women’s issue.

It doesn’t mean that we forgot the root of Indonesian Mother’s Day and it doesn’t mean also that we were not as good the current women warrior. Neither that our sacrifice was less than the women who still fight for all women’s issue.

In fact, we, the working mother and the stay at home mother, have our own way to fight with all women’s issue.

So, do we have to flip the meaning ?

No, we don’t have to. Otherwise we don’t have a day to thank our mother, working mother or stay at home mother, for their sacrifice.

And how about the history, the root of our Indonesian Mother’s Day ? How to bring back the meaning of Indonesian Mother’s Day ?

I just remember my youngest daughter question this morning, when the priest gives his preaches of Mother’s Day, “what is the difference within America Mother’s Day and ours, Bunda ?”

The difference is “our Mother’s Day was based on our Indonesian Women Warrior sacrifice in order for me and other women can have better education, equal opportunity with men in every men’s position and to understand their right.

Or in other words, we bring back the root by telling them the history, because history is one of the ways to make the spirit life.

So, like the text I have from my best friend on 22 December 2007 …

Happy Mother’s Day to all my women friends who has become the best mother for their children

I will say the same things too … stay-at-home-mother, working mother, the warrior, they have their own portion to fight for all the women's issue, therefore they have the right to have our appreciation.

Happy Mother’s Day to the entire woman …

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu,
Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu,
Qui tollis peccata mundi;
Dona eis requiem,
Dona eis requiem.

Agnus Dei, Agnus Dei,
Agnus Dei, Agnus Dei,
Qui tollis peccata mundi;
Dona eis requiem,
Dona eis requiem.
Sempiternam, sempiternam requiem.

Lord, have mercy,
Lord, have mercy,
You who take away the sins of the world;
Grant them peace,
Grant them peace.

Lamb of God, Lamb of God,
Lamb of God, Lamb of God,
You who take away the sins of the world;
Grant them peace,
Grant them peace.
Peace everlasting, everlasting.

My dear friend ....,

I don’t know how to say it because there’s a war within myself now. A war of not to be suspicious, and be suspicious. A war of believe and disbelief, that the offer was truly a helpful hand.

Therefore, do you mind to let me be with myself for a while ? I’m not ready to meet and accept the helpful hand that has been offered by your closest friend.

I know that it’s ridiculous and it’s not a good reflection of God’s no.1 rule, my dear friend. But after having experiencing of intrigues and hurtful times, I need a space to be with my friends that I trust, friends that make me feel safe.

Please don’t understand it wrongly. I was so thankful for the story that you’ve shared with me; it’s like a missing puzzle which complete the scattered puzzle that I have.

God was so kind to me lately. He gave me the answer of all my questions of each incidence that happened to me. Its looks like an owl that have all the answer for Pooh and friends. It’s kind of fortune teller crystal ball where you can see the entire plot, all the faces of your life.

I just want to tell you that I’m in the good hands now. I have told myself that I have to win the battle. If at the end I have to lose the battle then I have to lose it in dignity, with satisfaction that I have put every best of mine to win the war.

I’m in the middle of collecting back the pieces of my fairy tale. It’s not easy indeed its need my patience and kind heart.

Your story last night was a gift from God in this 3rd week of Christmas Season. You gave me the strength to walk like a winner even though I’m still in war.

Thank you so much for the friendship that you have given to me. You are still my true friend; one of my friend that I feel safe and trust.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

I'll Be Home for Christmas

I’m in the middle of listening one of my favorite Christmas song “I’ll be home at Christmas”, when my daughter, my beautiful oldest daughter rushed into my room.

She looked panic, sad when she told me that the father of her friend passed away on Saturday night in Qatar. She told me how her friends was so happy on that Saturday, when Rosa, her friend’s name, told my daughter that her father will come home soon, to celebrate Christmas with her.

“Rosa was so happy, Bunda, I still remembered her happy voice when she shared the good news yesterday. I could not imagine how sad she is. I feel sorry for Rosa,” my daughter said to me.

I was speechless when I heard that news. I could not imagine if it was happening to me or my daughter in this Christmas season. I bet that for all of my life, my Christmas will not be as happier as before. My Christmas will be the mourning season of the losses of someone that I love.

Suddenly I heard my voice advice her, that it was the reason why I always tell her to prepare for the worst, to always cherish the moment that we have when we were surrounding by our love’s one, since we never knew when the good times leave us for a while.

In my nutshell this morning, I ask God to give us strength, faith, when we have to lose our dearest one; to remind me of how precious my life was because He gave me two beautiful angels and a loving husband; to remind me to cherish every single day that He has given to me because He gave me true friends to help me walk through the storm.

We never know when He take our dearest one back but we always know that He had given us the opportunity to cherish the day when we open our eyes on the next day.

I wish I never forgotten His beautiful lesson at the 3rd week of this Christmas Season. Beautiful gift of how we have to cherish the day with our dearest one, with our true friends, with every people that we met along the way. So when He takes back the gift, we will remember the moment with our dearest one, with our true friends in happiness and no bitterness.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Don’t let someone become priority in your life
When you are just an option in their life

I try to ask myself, how many times, that I have put someone as priority in my life where actually I’m not even in their top list of “thinking” and how come that I was so blind to see that I’m not even exists in their world.

Every time I said to myself to get rid off that kind of people at the same time my other half told me that I was wrong, that I was childish.

Well…. I think it’s about time to give another shot to let someone taste his own medicine back again …

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Memorable Meal ....

Another question from Zaads … “what was your memorable meal, with whom you share it, and what made it so wonderful …”

A simple question, isn’t it ? But when I try to answer that question, I could not make my choice, I have a bunch of memorable meal, you can name it start from breakfast up to dinner …; I also have a bunch of friends and not-forgotten my family where I share my meal …

Then the next reaction is, so just pick the most memorable and whom I share it, isn’t it ?

No …, the purpose of the questions for me is at the last question ...’what made it so wonderful’.

Because the reason that makes the meal was so memorable lying into what made it so wonderful ..; the feeling, the emotion that come along at that time. ..

It’s just a simple a cup of gelato – if it can consider as a meal – but the ambience, the story, true friend that accompany me, was memorable for me. Sitting in front of the fountain, listen to the sound of the water, and taste the sweet of hazelnut gelato, share our thinking, or just tease each other … was so beautiful …

Get together at our fresh-room at the office, having my traditional choice of meal, rise, pecak lele fish and sambal, watching ceriwis – our favorite TV program – laugh together with my team; listen to their comment … was so relaxing ….

A cozy place, beneath the sky, the light only came from the candle burner, having a heart to heart conversation …. I couldn’t expect more … the ambience, the story that we share, all of it replaced the name of the meal …

Dinner at home, surrounding by my lovely daughter, my husband, my mom and dad, share our own story for the day …. It was also made my dinner time memorable …

Therefore, if somebody ask me again, what is your memorable meal, for sure my answer is I don’t have memorable meal, but I have memorable memories, memorable time during I’m having my meal ….

Like I said before, not the meal that makes it memorable, but the feeling, the emotion was the main factor of that meal become memorable.

I thank God to give me that moment, a bunch of moment that I can remember it with smile.

What was my memorable meal ? A lot …. I can not count it, but I can share it with happiness because all of it was so memorable …

Sunday, December 02, 2007

The best thing of being alone

What is my best thing of being alone ? … a question I got from this morning.

I know the answer straight away; I can let my mind fly away to every single part of my fantasy, meet my fairy tale where the prince kisses the princess with his eternal kiss.

Too childish ?

Maybe, but that is the only time I can be what I want, imagining every single thing, through the music that I heard, through the book that I read, through the picture that brings me to my past world.

Being alone, just me and myself, me and my inner self, the grown up meet the kids, the west meet the east.

As a mother and a working mom, nothing that I’m longing for except the time for being alone, the time where I can re-charge my self, where I can let go my worries, so I would be able to face the world.

So, what is my best thing of being alone … the answer is my imagination ….

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Christmas Season

Entering December always make me feel to contemplate. I need a time for myself, back to my nutshell, review the day that I have spent in the current year, bring the memory of all the “shocking” situation, evaluate my happiness and sadness moment and finally let go all the painful, hurtful memories. So when the D day comes, I can feel the joy of Christmas in my heart.

But the saddest part is for more than 4 years, especially last year; I have missed my Christmas Season ritual …

Therefore this time, I will not let my Christmas Season month go away. I don’t want to miss this moment, the moment of Intimacy with God (a booklet that I got from my friend).

I have a bunch of painful and hurtful memories to let it go with the wind, I have a bunch of happiness memories that I want to embrace and rejoice, and I want to feel it in this month, my Christmas Season ….