My Whitey

It’s been quite a long time since my last post. I don’t know why, but one thing that I know, I can’t write. Not because I don’t want it, I just stuck in the middle of nowhere, no matter how hard I try, it’s always end up with blank pages.

During my burn out period, laughter and tears, side by side coloring my life. There are zillions episode pass through my door. Some stays and leave a mark, some just fade away like morning dew when the sun kiss the mother earth.

One of those zillion episode which leave a mark is Whitey, my lovely dong, who is in heaven now, watching and guard me from above.

She came to my life sometimes in 2008, my daughter took her from a roadside, and to be precise she bought her from somebody who tried to sell her to anybody.

She was thin, dirty, flea and tick in her body at that time. She looks so scared and confuse. Even the sounds of news paper scratching could make her hide. Don’t expect a wagging tail from her, she just cold not. Not to mention her cataract and dental plaque, which makes her not as the right dog to choose.

Start on that day, I told myself, I will not abandon her, I will take care of her until God separates us.

Slowly she changed, from unwanted dog into a dog is admired. Every time I took her for a walk, every time I see people in awe. She never let me out of her sight, even when I was asleep she must sleep near me. Her pillow were next to my bed. She always wait for me return from the office. Sitting behind the front door, wagging her tail, and do her happy dance until I carry her.

I remember, one day I had to go out of town, and forgot to inform her that I won’t be at home for several days, that she must behave when I was not at home. That night, I got a phone call from my husband, told me that Whitey still sitting behind the front door, refused to go to our room (she always sleep in my room). No one could took her inside. She resisted. Until I told my husband to put me in speaker, told her that I will be away for several days and she must behave when I’m not at home, then she went to sleep.

She has white fur, with big black eyes and small ears. Her curly white dense fur was so soft and she was so light when I carry her.

That year and several years after, she’s coloring my life even though sometimes she made me mad because of her stubbornness. But most of the time she made me laugh and happy.

I tend to forget her age, I always think that we will grow older together. I know that the possibility of she will leave me first is greater than me. But I never taught that day will come so fast.

During her departure day, she has a heart problem, which made her difficult to breath. Doctor once told me to euthanize her, but once she look her zest for life, he prevent his intention.

Almost every night in three months, she could not sleep well, her heart problem made her breath a nightmare. The best time for her to sleep well is in the morning, and the way she sleep made me afraid. I always check whether she is still alive during those days.

On the day she departed, after I prepared her food and say good bye to her, I noticed that she refused to look at me. While in normal days, she always usher me to the front door when I have to go to the office. I called her but she sat back to me and never took her glance to me.

Since I was in hurry, I did  not pay my attention to her weird behavior. I just run to the office and forgotten her until  I  got a phone call from my husband told me that Whitey has gone.

I could not believe what I heard and I could not digest the message of ‘Whitey has gone’. Took several minutes until I realized that Whitey is no longer with me. Whitey already choose to spend her day with God.

I cried a lot, blame myself of not noticing the signage, of not say my thank you for her kindness, of not able to bury her.

I am not even dare to visit her tomb, I just look through the distance, and sometimes hallucinate that she will come to me, wagging her tail, and do her happy dance.

I still feel sad, still cry when I see her picture, but I know she is safe now, she is not suffering anymore, and she is with God guard me from above.

…… and when I wrote this, tears still in my eyes …..