Wednesday, August 06, 2008

He's Gone .....

The empty chair still there, his entire wardrobe still in the closet, his book and his camera still in their place, except some of his sculpture, the rest were still the same like before, when he was alive.

It’s so painful, every time I sat in my dining table; I have to face the empty seat. Every time I wish I will hear his voice, debate all my opinion about every thing, from politic into small things, but at the same time I heard my inner voice told me that he has gone.

I live everyday like he is still alive; wish that there’s a voice warned me to left one of the newspaper at home

Last night, when we had dinner, I saw my calendar nothing changes, its still in July; no one wants to move it to August.

Then suddenly I’ve got smoke in my eyes, my inner voice whispered in my ears that he has gone.

Every night after that day, I always wake up at the same time my nephew woke me up and closed my eyes the same time when he has gone.

Every night, there’s a system in my body reminds me on that day.

Part of myself know that he’s happy now but the “children” part of myself difficult to accept that he has gone forever, gone from my life.

I know that what left from him only the memory and I’m afraid that someday I may forget the memory, the good and the bad one. I’m afraid that someday I may forget his face, the peacefulness face when he met his creator.

If I know that it was his last day with us, if I know that he will go that quickly I will ask for his apology of my “stubbornness”.

Yesterday, when I cleared my old thing, I found his “black and white” sunset picture, the picture that both of us loved, the picture that he printed by himself in his dark room long time ago when everything was perfect. Then I felt that he sent me a message to let him go, a message to let me know that he’s happy now.


GJ said...

I do understand your pain and sorrow as I lost my mother suddenly some years ago. All I can say is as the wonderful memories come the pain does ease. I now remember only the magic time we had not my loss.

Rob Baiton said...

The best advice I ever received was never go to bed angry. I guess as an analogy it means never leave things unfinished or unsaid.

I understand your loss and I understand your pain. We need time ot grieve and to let go.

Yet, I agree with GJ that as time passes by we remember and cherish those moments that have some "magic" for us. It might be a family joke, or a photo, or a sculpture, or even an empty chair that sits in a place of honour and respect.

I think the most important thing is that you take the time to grieve. Ultimately, we all move on from tragedy, but we do have to accept our realities before we can truly be at peace with ourselves.

Keep strong!

rhymee azrie said...

Lalita, thank you for sharing such a moving and touching entry.
No doubt, I was so touched as it was written from deep inside of your heart.
Be strong and wishing you the happiness not just for you but also for the kids.

treespotter said...

sorry for your loss Tere. Can't be easy, i hope things get better soon.

I'm not good with the flowery words, but you put it very nicely.

Hope you feel better soon.

tere616 said...

gj : thank you for answering my question of the memory part. Now am not afraid if finally my memory come to that time.

Rob : Yup, never go to bed angry since we never know what is going to happen in the next 5 minutes. I couldn't agree more than you, I have to give myself time to grieve.

Rhymee : You're welcome

Treespotter : Am in the middle of back to real world.